i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The feeling are messing with the penis
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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