I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
