Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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