I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i think my cat just said my name.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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