we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
