just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
