you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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