And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
