my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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