i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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