Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
