so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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