apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
