Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I would fuck him just for his dog
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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