Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
that is very illegal...i love you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
