i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
