I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
