Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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