then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize