Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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