Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
