I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
