just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
