the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In America we eat man semen.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
