I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
