Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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