All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Come share oat with me in your robe
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize