he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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