i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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