Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
