she was so not down for the gang bang
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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