I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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