The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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