I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I didn't notice because vodka
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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