I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
