Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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