Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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