I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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