hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
