You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
