my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
