**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
