I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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