drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
