Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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