I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
