I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
