I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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