So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
