I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I cut my penus on the lid.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
