if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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