All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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