WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
