I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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