hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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