I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
