i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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