aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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